1:46 a.m.
i shouldn’t be blogging! but i can’t stop myself. i’m getting married today. today.
let me tell you about today (or yesterday, rather, since it’s technically saturday today): today was a rollercoaster. today was not the greatest day. it honestly felt like a bad reality show, like a wedding reality show that makes you cringe. the kind that i beg holly to change, “plllleeeeeasechange it, hunny! please. this is too stressful, i can’t even watch.” yeah, that kind of day.
a lot of tears. family drama that did notneed to go down. and me, just freaking out about everything. but now here i am, in a dimly lit hotel room with my maid of honor. i can hear the gentle whoosh of the dc traffic five stories below. it’s the first quiet i’ve had all day.
does anyone remember that trust game they made you (if you went to camps like me!) play back when you were, say, a teen? like, maybe in your early teens? you would stand with your arms crossed in front of your chest like a mummy, your back against a sea of your peers, all their hands up, waiting for you.
“ready to fall,” you’d say, with every last piece of you not wanting to go.
“fall away,” the group would say.
“falling…”
and you fell….and it felt like forever until you reached that sea of hands (when in actuality it was just a couple feet). and suddenly, for a brief moment, you had let yourself go. you closed your eyes, maybe just for a second, and during those split seconds, were worried that you’d hit the ground. but instead this giant net of human warmth caught your body and pushed you back up.
that’s today. that’s my friends.
it’s so hard to let myself go. it is sohard. and i don’t know why. but i’m learning to do it. today i let myself fall and my friends caught me. even just the hold of your gaze. i don’t know what i would do w/out you guys. i am so blessed.
tomorrow (ok, today), i am going to let myself go even more. i am going to try to be a princess even tho it’s so hard for me. it’s so crazy: i feelall of you rooting out there for me. i actually feel it. strangers, even. and friends from long long ago (and you know who you are and thank you for your voicemail; when i said it meant the world to me, i meant it). your notes in the mail (thank you, jen!), your facebook messages, the texts, the blog comments…i’ve needed it all.
goodnight, everyone! goodnight, goodnight. here’s to a new chapter in my life. here’s to love and hope and forever. to soaking up every moment. to every last piece of advice that all of you have passed my way. here’s to my wedding day. here’s to letting myself fall. xxo jessica
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: gay, lgbt, gay marriage, life, wedding planning, weddings, personal, relationships, love, lesbian, marriage
then you know i’m really nervous. b/c honestly? as if the name of this blog didn’t already give it away, i’m constantly hungry. like, most of the time, it feels like. and right now? yeah, not so hungry!
i must give the disclaimer that i’m mostly excited. i mean, i’m nervous, too. not about getting married, per se, more just like…being the center of things. b/c i’m not a fan of that. sure, i like cracking jokes (always have). but that only makes ppl notice me for a few moments. and with words–with this blog or my name on an article–no one actually sees me.
ok, here’s something really dorky that i’ll tell you even tho my better judgement is screaming at me not to: my mom had to stop throwing me birthday parties when i was little b/c i would always start crying at them. she says it’s b/c i probably felt overwhelmed. and that’s true, i bet. but my gut tells me, the itsybitsy tiny bit of memory i have of those times, says that i just couldn’t deal with being in the middle of it all.
it’s funny how we develop into adults…that these little bits and pieces of our youth–or our earliest childhood, even–stick around with us. i’m older and wiser now, but i still cringe thinking about all these eyes on me (gulp: the day after tomorrow!). hopefully i won’t break out into, like, hives or something. srsly! don’t laugh! (ok, you can laugh. it is kinda funny) but hey, at least i won’t be in a pointy birthday hat. plus i’ll have a whole team of professionals huddling around me to make sure i look fabulous (no, not just “fabulous.” faaaaaaaaabulous!). and? AND? my make-up artist’s brushes?? totally touched the face of mr. president-elect obama! i know, right?? and if that isn’t good luck, well i don’t know what is…
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: funny, gay, gay marriage, gay weddings, humor, lesbian, lgbt, life, love, personal, relationships, wedding planning, weddings
November 12, 2008 · 1 Comment
and what the HELL am i doing up now anyway?? it’s almost 1:30 am and i need my bride-to-be beauty rest! plus i’m too *old* for this, esp. on a ’school night’! haha.
it suddenly occurred to me all the mischief i’m going to get into w/my peeps when they arrive. (oh and they’re arrivin’ all right: all w/in ten mins. of each other tonight at BWI. welcome to baltimore, girls!!!!) and a certain someonehas promised me an early-morning breakfast satuday at our place, just like old times–when we called the district home, back when we earned hourly wages and dreamed of the things we’re doing right now, assuring each other that yes, our ships would come in, “laden with jewels,” we’d say. oh the ship’s a-comin in, bebe. i’m gonna be jumpin on yr bed, nicolina, early saturday morning so you’d better be READY to go out and get caffeinated! [no jetlag! no GBS (grumpybear syndrome)!] we gots some big days ahead of us! plus we’re gonna git our NAILS DID! yeeeeeehaw, girls!! i can’t wait to see your beautiful faces!!!
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding) · friends
Tagged: gay, gay weddings, lgbt, gay marriage, humor, funny, life, wedding planning, weddings, personal, love, friends, lesbian
November 12, 2008 · 1 Comment
so i just ran into my work friend heather at safeway during our lunch break. the bank tellers and i were just finishing up a gush session about the wedding (i know, i’m such a girl; but this wedding stuff is contagious!) and all the sudden, she pops by and is like HEY! i knew i heard you! and so we giggled and before i knew it we were hugging and crying! she’s so excited about the wedding. she’s been excited since the very beginning, and she has been soooo helpful, stopping by my office giving me all these fashion tips and whatnot. she can’t attend, unfortunately, b/c her best friend’s baby shower is on the same day, but man, she was like “omG it’s this weekend! your wedding’s this weekend!” and i was like “omg i KNOW!” and our eyes started welling up. ”i’m gonna cry!” she said and starting fanning her face. then i was like, “aw heather! you’re gonna make mecry!” and then we started hugging and crying right there in safeway by the checkout lines. dont’cha just love that??? i mean, this is such a special time. for ppl to just be, like, excited for you. even random ppl that you don’t know, like bank tellers. they find out you’re getting married (women, esp.) and they get this look in their eyes and they’re like awwwwwwwwwww!!!! i love that. i really do. i admit it–and i’m absorbing every ounce, every last drop.
in case you’re wondering, the pics above are a sampling of our latest shoot w/our fabulous wedding photog. i chose these two to share as sort of a joint celebration of our upcoming marriage and our president-elect.
mr. obama, if you’re reading this: hi! you rule! cannot wait to pass your soon-to-be new house on pennsylvania avenue and actually be excited about who’s living there. your wife is faaaabulous. your girls are adorable! i will walk your puppy for you anytime. just email me 
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: gay, gay weddings, lgbt, gay marriage, humor, funny, life, wedding planning, weddings, personal, love, lesbian
ok?
just keep telling me to breathe.
so much to do, so many things to still get in order. and butterflies–so many!–restless, and all flapping in my stomach. i just can’t wrap my mind around the fact this is actually happening. after all these months of planning. the better part of two years, really. and seven and a half years together (SEVEN AND A HALF?!! OMG WTF!!), let’s not forget that…
this wedding has been so far off for so long. i mean, just the other day it was summer, it feels like. then the jewish holidays. i turned 30. there was halloween, and now the trees are orange and fire red, some of them already bare….the day, our wedding day, is so close. so close that i can check the weather reports (please! please please please clear skies!). so close that we’re planning airport pickups and sending out itineraries (those are you still wondering about details, sit tight, info’s on it’s way).
the silent prayer running thru my head is not only that i somehow make it (i.e. not faint) through the ceremony (and btw, not just me, holly, too; we’re both worried) and don’t just break down crying–i mean a full-on, drop-to-my-knees all-hands-on-deck breakdown that will not only ruin my eye make-up but just…yeah. (the great thing about a jewish ceremony is that you say next to nothing, so at least there’s that) and also that i take in every moment. that i appreciate everything–all the love, the family, the friends, all there for us. all there to celebrate and make us happy–b/c i hear it goes fast. i know it will. i know it. so if you don’t hear from me before saturday, think good thoughts! i will come back to all of you as, yes, a married woman.
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: funny, gay, gay marriage, gay weddings, humor, lesbian, lgbt, life, love, personal, relationships, wedding planning, weddings
my cousin liat just sent me the most wonderful photos for my “something old” (something new, something borrowed, something blue…) category. they’re of our shared late grandma, the one i wrote to the other day (subsequentially throwing ppl into fits of tears from coast to coast, it seems; but believe you me, i was crying hardest of all) and i swear, they’re gonna throw me into another fit of tears. actually, they already kind of did.
unfortunately, i never got to see my grandma completely able-bodied. she broke her hip when i was just a toddler, and never quite recovered. my grandfather was a rabbi. (you can see him below; he smoked cigars, wore bowties and a 10-gallon hat. he was very cool) he passed when i was about two years old, so i never got to know him. [he, however, had me down to a tee, labeling me an "arch individualist" (who? me?) when i was still a wee lil thing.]
i love these photos. they make me sooo happy. this was the woman still very much inside the older woman i came to know and love. and looking at her here, i can see me in her. thank you, cousin. you’re like a sister to me, i love you. can’t wait to see you so soon…
my grandma
grandma & grandpa
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: family, gay, gay marriage, gay wedding, lesbian, lgbt, life, love, memories, personal, photos, relationships, wedding planning, weddings
November 6, 2008 · 1 Comment
b/c one of my dear friends (whom i met in hebrew high school. in 1991. in jersey. when my hair was extremely large and i think i still wore keds) must’ve read it and decided i was out of my mind and purchased two massages, one for me and one for holly, for this weekend here in baltimore. and i love her for it. thank you thank you thank you, jbgreenfish! you have truly fulfilled your mitzvah quota (that’s what us jews call a ‘good deed’) for the day ;) you srsly read both our minds. my neck. and shoulders. and arms and legs thank you.
HEARTS! from here to beantown, mmmmwwwaaah!
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding) · friends
Tagged: gay, lgbt, gay marriage, humor, funny, life, wedding planning, weddings, gay wedding, personal, relationships, love, lesbian, stress
November 6, 2008 · 1 Comment
we have too much to do and not enough time to do it. we’re t-minus nine days til “the big day.” (it’s so funny how ppl call it the “big day.” like, a “big day” for me is one where i’ve bulked up on too much sodium (i.e. evil over-processed food but omg does that crap taste good–and don’t EVEN b/c you know you love it too) and my engagement ring is suddenly a little tighter…but ANYway, as per usual, i digress.)
i’m high on migraine meds as i write this, as i’m battling headaches most of the time right now. (to be honest, i don’t even think they’re stress-related; i think they have more to do w/the (great-smelling but kind of evil) wet leaves outside, i.e. mold, but what the hell do i know).
i will close out by saying the following:
NOW I KNOW WHY PPL GET WEDDING PLANNERS. now i know! i mean, i knew before. but now i really know. holly will prob. tell you that i don’t actually know b/c she’s doing most of the ‘heavy lifting’ and i just sit around stressing about my hair/make-up/accessories/song list for dj/programs and etc. etc.
and the sad part? she’s totally right. and me stressing stresses her and then we’re bickering. (sorry, hunny. i love you.)
so i guess i’d better go now. b/c on top of my eye twitch, i’m having migraine med-induced esophageal spasms. oh, i am a joy to behold. just a joy…
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: funny, gay, gay marriage, gay weddings, humor, lesbian, lgbt, life, love, personal, relationships, wedding planning, weddings
a while back, but yesterday, yesterday she met holly.
and omg, it was just about the cutest darn thing i’ve ever seen. i mean, those puppies rolling around in fluffy toilet paper (you know those commercials and you know you love them so don’t even) on teevee are pretty darn cute. but this might come in as a close second or even a tie.
after we voted (i had the day off), we went all over baltimore running errands (stopping for kosher chinese, ‘natch). and since we had to get some fancy shoes spruced up, i decided we would take them to henry–i think his name is henry?–who shares space with my belarus(ian?) dressmaker. his shop is decidedly old school and word on the street (the street being my office, of course) that he’s the best guy round these parts when it comes to fixing pointy women’s shoes. so i was like, “oooh i’m gonna introduce you to my dressmaker!”
so we walked thru the shoemakers and peeked around into her tiny shop and i was like helllooooo and she was like “jesseeeka!” with her usual big smile, oh, she just has the biggest and warmest smile. and i was like, “i have someone here i want you to meet!” and so in pops holly ’round her door. “this is holly!” i say. and she was like “oooooooh!!! holly!” and she gave her the biggest, warmest hug. it was so friggin cute i coulda burst. we all chatted [holly thanking her for being so kind to me b/c, as she so eloquently put it, i can be "difficult." (difficult? me? never!)] and smiled a lot and a few minutes later, when we were getting ready to leave, she gave holly another hug and then hugged me and said, “ahhh, i love you, jesseeka!” and i was like “aww i love you!” and trust me, i do. i really do.
so tonight i’ll be packin’ up and heading down for my very last fitting, the one when we make sure everything’s perfect. i have all my accessories to try on with it, including my fabulous shoes [thanks, cousin jen!! (note: not really my cousin, but it sure does feel like it, doesn't it?? we're like jewish summercamp bunkmates from a past life. it's unbelievable!) love ya!!!]. and now i can picture what my hair and make-up will look like. i’ve lost about all the weight i can at this point (healthfully, of course; a combination of weight watchers and the abs diet for women), and here’s hoping all those free weights have done my arms good b/c heaven knows i’ve tried.
tomorrow’s our very last appt. w/our rabbi, where we’ll actually practice circling around each other (an ancient jewish wedding ceremony custom signifying our devotion to one another). we’re awaiting our ketubah’s (marriage contract; another ancient jewish practice–we’re having it designed by an artist friend) arrival. my stomach’s full of butterflies. i’m a nervous wreck. my eye twitch has come back, full-force. but, like i said the other day, i’m actually excited vs. just being stressed. to all my friends reading this: i can’t wait to see you. i can’t wait to give you all big hugs, and have you all in one place. pls be patient with me (as if you’d all be any other way!) b/c i’m sure i’ll have my head only half-on. and i’ll probably make at least one of you go for emergency smoothie runs b/c my blood sugar will no doubt be dropping throughout friday and saturday (and nonono, as holly will tell you: we don’t want that). and i’m sure i’ll be crying a lot. like, a lot. b/c i’m just going to be so happy. pls know that having you there will mean the world to me! even if i can’t get the words out, i’m just telling you now. you all mean the world to me.
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding) · baltimore · friends
Tagged: gay weddings, lgbt, gay marriage, humor, funny, life, wedding planning, weddings, wedding dress, personal, relationships, love, fashion, friends, lesbian
that obama won. that, as my dear nicolina says, the tide has turned. and it’s time for change.
but i also have a lump in my throat b/c it’s looking like holly and i won’t be able to make our future honeymoon trip (we’re not doing one this year–it’s a “staycation” here in bmore, which, honestly? after all this stress and planning, is fine by me) to get married in california. some days, i daydreamed just as much about going to the (gorgeous, nicole tells me) san francisco court house and wedding legally as i do our ceremony and reception. nicole would our witness, and pledged to throw us the BDPE (Best. Dinner. Party. Ever.). i’d finally get to meet all her fabulous friends and her parents were gonna throw confetti on our heads as we walked thru the door. of course, the marriage wouldn’t be legal here in maryland. but if we moved to new york (state or city) or mass. or conn. it would be. and it would just be…vindicating. that, at least in a few parts of the country, we’d have the same legal rights as everyone else.
tell me: what’s so bad about us having the legal right to visit each other, G-d forbid, in the hopsital and make decisions for each other if we had to? to file taxes together? to be able to be on each other’s health insurance (i note this b/c, despite our almost eight years together, holly can’t get on my health insurance and her cobra payments are over $350/month)? we’re not trying to undermine the basis of civilization. or the foundation of this country. we just want to be treated as equals. right now, all i can do is hope and pray that one day, our children and our children’s children can look back on these times, on state bans on same-sex marriage, and not be able to wrap their minds around it. that, just as people in my generation look back on the jim crow era, on segregation, on interracial marriage bans, on slavery and african-americans not having the right to vote, on attack dogs and hoses, that they’ll look back on bans, outright bans, on same-sex marriage and say: “i don’t get it. i don’t get how that ever happened.” b/c, by then, it will be legal. and taking away ppl’s rights, taking away ppl’s rights!, and writing inequalities into state constitutions will be so far in the past, will seem so weird and crazy that they just won’t get it. they won’t get it just like i don’t get, can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how someone can look at someone who has a different color skin and think they’re less than. i know some ppl look at holly and i, at our long and loving relationship, and think we’re less than. and undeserving. but, as my late grandmother would say, “to hell with ‘em!” and i follow that with a hearty, grandmotherly, “who needs ‘em!” (thanks, grandma)
so on this morning, on a morning where the sun’s trying to break thru the clouds here in maryland and the trees are glowing a shade of orange i’ve been craving for months and months, i feel so much hope but also heartbreak. and trust me, i know i could be feeling a whole lot more heartbreak, don’t get me wrong. but my chest feels heavy and i’m teary. i pray that mr. obama, mr. president-elect, can bring us together like i know he can. i have a lot of hope right now. and the haters, they’re not gonna bring us down. we gotta wedding to throw, all! we have a lot to celebrate. a lot of new beginnings. and i can’t wait to get started.
Categories: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)
Tagged: gay, gay weddings, lgbt, gay marriage, life, wedding planning, weddings, personal, relationships, love, politics, democrat, gay rights, obama, election, lesbian
